It’s completely understandable when you’re struggling as an executor or personal representative.  It’s a big FAT job.  (Fiduciary And Time-consuming).  And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Look, it would be really easy to pontificate about how to be a great executor, how to manage all the tasks, the personalities, the sadness, the emotions, the on and on… But…

If you’re reading this, and may be struggling, none of that’s going to do you any good.

 And for what it is worth, a lot of people struggle with this job.  It’s thankless, sad, and often resented.  You’re life’s on hold or at least interrupted, and you’re trying to figure out why your brother can’t understand why this is taking so long and he’s sending a ton of pressure.  

Well, your brother’s an idiot.  If he wasn’t an idiot maybe he’d be the executor and you could be bothering him. (Well that’s just us trying to lighten things up.  We hope you chuckled.)

Estates bring out the worst in people.  The fact that they may be grieving makes it worse.  Grief changes people, and not always for the better.  Perhaps over time, growth, and perspective, but in the short term, it can do a doozy on people you thought you knew well.

But you may be looking for solutions, not banter.  Let’s give you some…

Check-in with the county or “Jurisdiction”

The Probate Court or Clerk’s or Surrogate’s Office may have some advice or resources you’re not aware of.  Request a sitdown with the people overseeing the estate and ask for help.

Is your Estate Attorney moving you forward?

There are some great probate attorneys.  There are some probate attorneys that, for lack of a better expression, disappoint.  Whether their communication skills are lacking, or you’re finding them difficult to work with, or they’re simply not moving the estate forward, you can absolutely change estate attorneys.  You’re the boss!  The attorney works for you!  Check the attorney agreement and retainer and read the clauses related to disengagement or cessation of services.  Once you’re familiar with that, given your newfound experience, and now know what you’re looking for in an estate attorney, start looking for a new one.

Is Grief Holding You Back?

Grief can be debilitating.  It can mess with the normal, dependable modus operandi you regularly depend on to get you through your tasks, and days and weeks.  It may be with good reason you’re not diving in, or returning calls, or feeling like yourself.  This topic could be a book, but you likely have grief support available nearly.  There’s also grief support via zoom, etc.  The Executorium.com Estate Service Providers Directory lists many Grief Counselors and Grief coaches by county.  Houses of worship, social service departments, libraries, etc., often have a list of local resources to connect with.  A chat with a professional can do wonders to unburden yourself.

Is the Estate Getting Contentious?

Are communications getting tense?  If one or more of the beneficiaries is unhappy, it can overstress an estate which is already a difficult undertaking.   Very often, the probate court will have resources available for the mediation of disagreements.  Many course have internal alternate dispute resolution programs where parties can meet with a professional neutral and engage in a non-binding discussion to resolve discord.  There are also private professional mediators, many of which can be found in the Executorium.com Estate Service Providers Directory, and they can be a lot less taxing and expensive than estate litigation.  It may even save your relationships within your family.

Read: Executor Road: Alternate Dispute Resolution for Estates

Professional Fiduciary

A professional fiduciary is a licensed specialist certified to act in the interest of an individual or an estate.  They may be empowered to handle financial and representative tasks for the estate.  In some cases, the hiring of a professional fiduciary may be an option to you as an executor, if the responsibilities of executor or personal representative are overwhelming you.  Discuss with the probate court in the estate’s jurisdiction.

Estate Administration Services

A new, emerging field is becoming more common for contracting much of an estate’s workload.  Estate Concierge, After-Loss Services, or other designations, these professionals handle a scope of estate administrative tasks.  Cleanout, liquidation, paperwork, sale of real property, maintenance, communications, or any combination of estate tasks can be handled by Estate Administrative Service Professionals on an estate’s behalf.  Generally, these pros are not fiduciaries, although they can be, depending on their licensing and certification.

Often these professionals or companies can provide coaching or advisory support, so the executor or personal representative has an experienced resource to turn to.

Read: The Emergence of the Estate Administration Services Profession

This is Too Much

Being an executor is hard.  It usually comes at one of the hardest times in a person’s life too.  It’s a thankless job, full of dreary, emotional tasks and that’s the upside! (Trying to lighten things up.  Executor humor.  We hope you chuckled.)   Maybe hiring additional help is a solution to the struggle.  Help is possibly an expense of the state.  Also, executor’s are replaceable.  If it’s too much, put up a flag.  You can talk to your estate attorney and discuss what’s involved in your state with relinquishing your designation as executor.   Discuss with your estate attorney or estate accountant.  You can also discuss with the court representative to discuss your options and ask about what happens next.  The court may appoint a family member, attorney, or professional fiduciary to be the executor of the estate.  Happens all the time.

Read: On Second Thought, “No, I Don’t Want to be an Executor.”

Being an executor sounds important before the fact.  In reality, it’s a disruptive, arduous task that will likely take hundreds of hours and cost you a little bit of your butt.  When the life you were planning intersects with your executor responsibilities, your cup may runneth over.  Evaluating if the struggle can be attended to with help, support, management improvements, or possibly, a white flag, is the decision of the individual.  There are many challenges associated with the job and  frankly, it can feel very solitary.  So if you’re struggling with the interruption that an executor’s life brings, there may be solutions you haven’t considered and relief is available.