Executor Road – Out They Say! Dealing with the friends watching you dealing with it…
Executor Road: The Pile of Stuff
A well-meaning friend said innocuously, “Out!” after I noted I had been busy going through the contents of our family house: the boxes, papers, tchotchkes, etc. The stuff from the drawers, the darkest attic corners, the decaying archives, the piles, and it was taking a while.
“Out!”
I shuddered. Then I remembered both of his parents were still with us, I exhaled and smiled. His intentions were in the right place.
“Yeah”, I lied.
“Out They Say.” There’s a fair bit of survival navigating these encounters as you walk around dragging your heart on the ground.
When I say boxes or piles, I might note my mother saved everything. Estate Cleanout is part executor necessity, part cathartic, at least for me. Grief counselors have a saying, “Feel the feelings.” Well when you come across the box of your drawings from ages 0-5 that your mother saved for 50 years, you feel ’em. You feel ’em good. Out they say? I think not.
To the nostalgic, the overly attached, the non-minimalist sentimentalist, I say, “You be you” Be as healthy as you may, but bear in mind, you’re the one on the ground. You’re the one crying alone in the attic. There are no rules. The advice “You can’t keep everything” is good advice, but in the face of external expectations of an executor – go with what works for you.
We will concede that the boxes that my father got from Worman’s Liquor store in the 60’s may need to be replaced.
So grief doesn’t go away. I still miss my mom and dad – angels on my shoulder now. I am glad I held onto some stuff so I can show my little boy, who my parents never met, who his grandparents were. Of course, 20 years on these boxes are many less than they were and the cleanout is long over. But it wasn’t that way at 20 months. Grief changes. It is important to mention that there is a thing called Prolonged Grief Disorder which is self-defining. Anyone struggling a long time with their loss should be aware of it and talk about it. Getting help is strength.
A Plan for the Non-minimalist Sentimentalist with Some Kind of Crazy Attachment Disorder…
My People!
“Holy Crow (not the real word). This is going to take a long time.”
Plan shift… this is not a box-by-box adventure. This is a grazing over. This is survival. Create a manageable pile or piles. Move forward on Executor Road.
- Stuff I can handle now. Liquidate/Distribute/Discard
- Stuff I can put away for a while. Memory/Indecision/Legacy
In other words…
- Look for the good stuff. That’s pile 1.
- Look for the stuff we can throw/recycle. Pile 2 – Out they Say. OK!
- Turn two boxes into one as you go.
- Save it for a later pile. Pile 3.
Pile 3 may be somewhat problematic. Maybe later never comes?
People will line up to tell you “You’re never going to go through that stuff.”
So what?
Some people can do it, toss it all, with impunity. That’s not me. In my world, “Stuff matters”. Maybe I’m crazy. And every so often I dig into a box and remember. So that’s at the heart of this – you do you, let them do them. If the stuff matters, embrace it and don’t look back. Be realistic about any space constraints, but don’t try to fit into anyone’s expectations or judgments.
Executors have a lot on their plate. One rule of survival is “prioritize”. If dealing with personal property this way buys you a little time now, and helps you move forward, do it.
Thanks for reading Executor Road…
Forward…
By the way, that’s an arrow – Forward.
It also happens to be a house turned over. Still – Forward.
Read More…
We think Artifcts is a great tool to have on your phone when cleaning out…
Estate Talks: Executor Tools: Artifcts® for Estate Cleanout, Distribution and Legacy
Estate Talks: Grief Support – What to Expect
Executor Road: My Grief is Different. Your Grief is Different.