If you are reading this, I surmise that you’ve probably lost one of the people you love the most. There are no words at a time like this. However, I hope that along your grief journey, you will find a sense of empowerment and purpose within your role as executor; something you may not have otherwise experienced to this extent.
When I lost my dad suddenly at 25, I was overwhelmed with absolute heartbreak and disbelief. Simultaneously, I also became the sole executor for my dad’s estate – my dad was not married when he passed, and I am my father’s only child. In a single day, I had lost my best friend and emerged into a role, sole executor, that I knew nothing about.
Speaking from my own experience, being an executor can be incredibly daunting. Even if your loved one was well prepared and did all that they could to set you up for success, there are going to be decisions you have to make that you may have never considered before, or on topics you are completely unfamiliar with.
I’d like to share with you three takeaways from my experience that I hope resonate with you in your executorship:
Being an executor is a role that’s fundamentally separate from being a griever.
When we lose a loved one, the subsequent grief that we feel is inevitable. However, as an executor, you have an additional and simultaneous set of responsibilities to settle your loved one’s estate. And although your timeline of serving as an executor may overlap with your grieving, settling their estate does not replace the need to process and heal from what that loss has brought up for you.
People will ask you questions that are none of their business (and sometimes, they may be your own family).
Especially when an estate settlement is involved, people will ask you for information that is frankly none of their business. Give yourself permission to shut those conversations down and only share what you’re comfortable with. One of the lines I used when people asked invasive financial questions was:
“I have a trusted CPA helping me, and right now my energy is focused on honoring my dad’s legacy while setting myself up for the future.”
I also want to acknowledge that setting this kind of boundary can be challenging while grieving, which leads me to my third point.
Identify your inner-most circle to support you.
Being an executor and grieving are all-consuming tasks. During my bereavement, I was alone for the vast majority of the time – making massive decisions all on my own, on topics I knew nothing about. With that being said, I identified who my most trusted and reliable individuals were. This became an invaluable support network: a select few family members who had only my best interest at heart, and a few professionals whom I was blessed to access for estate guidance. The executor’s network is an essential support system, one that can act as checks and balances for our decision-making, which is crucial given how grieving can impact our executive functioning.
Being an executor was one of the most challenging seasons in my life, and it was also one of the most empowering experiences. Suddenly, I found myself out of work for three months so I could move into my dad’s home, completely by myself, in another state, to settle his estate. Each day consisted of me making decisions on topics that I didn’t even know existed (check back for future articles on that).
Retrospectively, I see that I did it! The estate got settled. I was eventually able to find balance in my life again, which enabled me to process the grief and begin to find healing. It was the most painful and lonely experience I’ve had. The grief never fully goes away – it continuously evolves, and we learn to move through life while holding it. However, the executorship DOES have an endpoint, and that brings relief in letting you shift more of your energy to the grief work. My wish for you, on your executorship journey, is that you’re able to navigate the process in a way that feels manageable for you, while honoring your loved one’s legacy in a way that you’re truly proud of.
Cassidie Carmen Bates is a graduate researcher on grief & bereavement leave policies at the Duke Sanford School of Public Policy and a certified grief support specialist. With nearly a decade of public policy experience, she transitioned into studying grief, with an emphasis on the unique needs of executors, following the sudden passing of her dad, John. At 25, Cassidie served as the sole executor for her dad’s estate, an experience that demonstrated how little infrastructure exists to support grieving Americans. Before graduate school, Cassidie spent over five years in non-profit leadership within the Feeding America network, developing and implementing award-winning legislative advocacy models nationwide. She’s transformed her grief journey into her advocacy focus, which aims to guide executors in navigating the challenging and griefy estate settlement process. Cassidie is an alumna of the University of California, Berkeley, and a former PPIA Fellow at the Goldman School of Public Policy.
You can read Cassidie’s research, along with her grief and policy publications, HERE and follow her work on LinkedIn, Instagram, and TikTok.
Proper attribution to the author is required for reproduction or use.
Bates, Cassidie C. 2026. “When Grief Hands You a Job: Lessons from Serving as an Executor.” Executorium.